


An Unhair Conviction

by delicatelyglitterywriter



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Humor, i am not responsible for any injures you may acquire from laughing too hard, inspired by That photo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-22
Updated: 2019-05-22
Packaged: 2020-03-09 10:10:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,083
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18914833
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/delicatelyglitterywriter/pseuds/delicatelyglitterywriter
Summary: The Doctor gets arrested by the Judoon. Shenanigans ensue.





	An Unhair Conviction

**Author's Note:**

  * For [pandoraspockz](https://archiveofourown.org/users/pandoraspockz/gifts), [timedork](https://archiveofourown.org/users/timedork/gifts).



> Based off the s12 set photo released today of 13 and the Judoon: https://twitter.com/bbcdoctorwho/status/1130926244801974273
> 
> It's not good, it's just funny. Hope you are adequately entertained.
> 
>  **Content warning:** mentions of an institution, a reference to police brutality.

The Doctor had had many run-ins with the Judoon before, and every time before, it had been just fine. Even when there were humans in the mix (which, if she were to speak honestly, was every time the Judoon showed up), it always ended up being okay, somehow or other. Really, it was a wonder it ever turned out okay at all, given how violent they tended to be. 

This time, however, felt different. Off. Sinister.

She chalked it up to the fact there were no humans around - she’d managed to send Yaz, Ryan, and Graham away, before the Judoon could get their hands on them, or her TARDIS. She knew she should be relieved they weren’t there, but it honestly scared her. She couldn’t figure out why. Perhaps it was because she had to face them alone (and she  _ hated _ facing them alone), or maybe it was because no humans meant a new situation, and new situations were always scary, even if they were exciting.

The Doctor licked her lips as she was made to stop in front of the leader of the platoon of the judoon. What were the leaders called anyway? She couldn’t remember. Did they  _ have _ titles? Did they even have leaders? She inwardly pulled a face, making a note to look it up later. Her Judoon knowledge was way too rusty to be helpful. 

“Do plo co to plo ro sho yo plo tro sho blo ro flo sho tro no do flo ro sho blo ro ro flo so to!” the Judoon barked. The Doctor gaped, so shocked she forgot to speak the Judoon language.

“ _ Arrested _ ?! But what did I  _ do? _ ”

Really, the question was: what  _ didn’t _ she do? She was always doing one thing or another, not always legal, so really, they could be arresting her for anything.

“Yo plo tro sho ho blo vo flo sho bo flo flo no sho flo blo to kro no go sho to plo plo sho mo tro co ho sho so plo kro lo,” the Judoon explained, slightly less gruffly, although it still sounded gruff with his voice. They always sounded gruff, no matter how kind they tried to sound.

The Doctor wrinkled her nose. “Oi! No such thing as too much soil! And I’ll have you know: I eat responsibly!”

“Yo plo tro ro sho ho blo kro ro sho kro so sho to tro ro no kro no go sho bo ro plo wo no sho blo to sho to ho flo sho to plo po,” the Judoon pointed out. “Yo plo tro sho ho blo vo flo sho bo flo flo no sho flo blo to kro no go sho to plo plo sho mo tro co ho.”

The Doctor reached up and touched the top of her head. What was he on about... _ oh of course _ ! Her ‘roots’, as Yaz called them, whatever that meant. She probably should learn about hair care, but she was a 3000 year old universal hero; she had more important things to worry about than the state of her hair. Then again, Chinny may disagree with her. Oh well. She’d get to it later.

“No, you see, those are my roots,” she pulled a face at the word, “they’re just...not as good at the rest of my hair. A different colour. It’s natural, I promise.”

As soon as she said it, she knew how weak the words sounded. She bit back a wave of hopelessness, trying really hard to think of a way out of this. But her brain was having trouble thinking of a solution. She may very well have to escape from whatever prison they put her in.

Prison. They were really going to lock her up because of her roots being not-so-well taken care of. She sighed internally at the prospect, and at the reality that she would have to tell both Yaz and River that they were right. Yaz, she didn’t mind, she’d be gracious about it. But River? River would never let her forget this incident. And for her, never was a  _ very _ long time. 

“Kro to sho kro so sho no plo to sho ho flo blo lo to ho yo.”

Okay, he had a point there. Her hair wasn’t exactly healthy. But how did she explain she just needed to take better care of it, and that it wasn’t turning brown because of soil? She had to prove to him that soil didn’t make things change colour.

“Soil doesn’t make things change colour,” she said, deciding the direct approach was best. “Well unless you smear it on stuff, which I didn’t. But, it can’t cause biological change if you eat it. It just doesn’t have that molecular capacity. Look it up if you don’t believe me.”

The Judoon turned away, ordering two of the others to check the information. They did, and confirmed what the Doctor was saying. She allowed herself a small sigh of relief. The Judoon nodded, considering her for a moment, before he passed his judgement.

“Yo plo tro sho wo kro lo lo sho bo flo sho po lo blo co flo do sho kro no sho blo no sho kro no so to kro to tro to kro plo no sho wo ho kro co ho sho wo kro lo lo sho ro tro no sho blo sho po ro plo go ro blo mo sho to plo sho to flo blo co ho sho yo plo tro sho ho plo wo sho to plo sho bo flo to to flo ro sho co blo ro flo sho fo plo ro sho yo plo tro ro sho ho blo kro ro bla. Yo plo tro sho wo kro lo lo sho bo flo sho ro flo lo flo blo so flo do sho wo ho flo no sho yo plo tro ro sho ho blo kro ro sho lo plo plo kno so sho bo flo to to flo ro bla.”

_ An institution with a program to teach her how to take better care of her hair _ ? The Doctor could not have been more offended. And to think she wouldn’t be released until her hair looked better was...unthinkable.

“Wait, hold on a minute,” she tried to protest, as two of the other Judoon grabbed her and began dragging her away. “You can’t do that! It’s not in galaxy law to convict someone on the condition of their hair! I’m not breaking any laws here! Hey!”

**Author's Note:**

> while you're here, another reminder about the doctor who fic exchange i'm hosting. details [here](https://doctorwhoficexchange2019.tumblr.com/post/184196601949/doctor-who-fic-exchange#notes) and [here](https://twitter.com/dwficexchange). three days left to sign up. 
> 
> also, a translator for the Judoon langauge if you'd like to know exactly what was said: http://www.judoon.com


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